So, it's been years since I've visited my blog here and since I've made a post. Been dealing with life and haven't really had much interesting to say or much go on besides drama of my own life. But I'm back, at least for the time being. I thought it would be good to get back into blogging as I'm in the search for my core self and who I truly am. I'm tired of wearing masks and trying to be who everyone else wants me to be that I have lost who I truly am deep inside. So, on the journey of self discovery I decided to bring everyone along.
So, here is a little update of where I'm currently at. I'm now 32 living with friends in Texas as I felt that living in Missouri wasn't healthy for me. Back in 2017 I got back with my ex and again spent another few years being on and off with him and living in a toxic relationship. Which wasn't the only toxic relationship I had in Missouri. It felt like I couldn't have friends or go and do anything without permission or without having a curfew. I tried living in St. Louis with aquantiences that I had met online. That was also a toxic environment and didn't help I wasn't on my medications. That journey last 6 months before I ended up back in my home town with my family and back with my ex. In 2018 to 2019 I admitted to everyone how severe my mental illnesses were as I hear voices and sometimes those voices would take over. I was then diagnosed with BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder and was put on some new meds. I spent some more time in therapy and continued to be on disability. By this time I had been on disability for 8 years. I haven't struggled with the voices since being on the medications much except during high stress and when I was dealing with major depressive episodes when I was with my ex. During those times it has lead to suicide attempts one right after the other and cutting. Since the age of 13 I have attempted suicide 15+ times. In no means am I bragging because it is quite sad that I've attempted so many times but it goes to show that I'm meant to be here for a reason. Fast forward to the here and now...
It's almost 2022 and I am now in a better place both physically and mentally. If it wasn't for the help of my two friends here in Texas that got me out of the situation I was in while in Missouri I'd probably still be in and dealing with toxic relationships. I have been here since December of 2020 and made a best friend when I got here. My two friends have gotten me a puppy back in June to help with my depression and it has helped a great deal. Daisy is part German Shepard and Lab mix and now is 7 or 8 months old. I got a job that my disability allows me to work without much of an issue most days. Been there 6 months. Which due to the fact I'm working starting in 2022 I will no longer receive disability. Which overall is what my goal was as I want to be normal and not rely on the government to support me. Between working and Daisy and finding time with friends my depression is less my anxiety is less and overall I'm flourishing which I can't say would have happened had I stayed in Missouri. I hope you stay tuned for my progress as I discover my true identity and perform shadow work throughout the coming years.