While I have debated on what to post today I decided I would talk about my mental health. I will give you a back story, the struggles, the diagnosis, and how I am doing this far. Not to "woe is me" but to fight the stigmatism and let you know it's ok to be honest about your struggles. It's ok to be honest with yourself and how helpful it can be to seek help.
My depression started at the age of 13. What probably started the depression was the struggle with my sexual orientation. But you add into account how I was treated growing up didn't help with the depression. At the age of 13 I also had several suicidal attempts playing chicken with vehicles when walking to and from the library. This fact no one knew until much later in life. While it kinda got a little better when I moved out and had my first job. However, depression got worse in 2008 due to the living situation and a broken heart. While I struggled with the depression I also struggled with voices since age 13. In 2009, I started cutting and was hospitalized for the first time for suicidal thoughts. In 2010, my diagnosis was with bipolar, depression, and anxiety. I've tried different medications but not being honest it wasn't fully helping. In 2012, my primary doctor diagnosed me with PTSD, depression, bipolar, anxiety, and while the medications somewhat helped I wasn't fully honest and accepted the voices. The struggle lasted for years up until 2019.
In 2019, I became honest with all my doctors, family, and friends. I acknowledged having voices and the struggle I've had. While my diagnosis didn't change much it was added that I have schizoaffective disorder and borderline personality disorder. My medications got changed and they started to help up until I was diagnosed with COVID and put on an antiviral for it. My world crumbled in 2022 as the medication stopped all my mental health meds from working. Depression and suicidal thoughts was really bad. I ended up selling most of my stuff and plotting a plan to leave this plane. My mental health went unchecked for months and I struggled to live. My job ended, my friendships ended, I lost my car and was back on disability.
In August of 2022 I sought help and got some of the help I needed. However, not all the medications helped and it wasn't until October did I get on a cocktail that worked. It has been helping so much that the voices aren't bothering me, I'm not as depressed, I'm not having mood swings like I was, I'm not wanting to seek death, and able to enjoy life. So, if you feel like you're struggling please seek help you can call or txt the national suicide line 988. Or search for the number. I'll admit I have reached out to the hotline and talking has helped calm me down. When we are in our head we don't see the light but having someone on the outside talk us through our thoughts can help that light in. Even getting suggestions on where to go and what to do to get help is better than ending your life. It does get better with proper medications and being upfront and honest with not only ourselves but our doctors. I have had 3 to 4 hospitalizations and over 100 suicidal attempts. Today, I'm much better and hope it stays this way. Tweaking medications is all part of the process along with trial and error. What works for me may not work for you. So, please trust the process and if you feel like you aren't being heard don't be afraid to ask for a different doctor.